Have you ever felt so disappointed that at times you have felt depressed or ever crazy for even feeling disappointed? I have... Actually I am right now.
I know what started it, but I won’t go into detail about it. What I will say though is that when this person made a comment, I basically heard “You’re good, you’re just not good enough.” Am I crazy for feeling that? I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I’m a major disappointment, like that’s why I haven’t gotten married. Like I’m gonna be a disappointment as a wife. Now I’m not saying that is a reason why I haven’t gotten married yet. I know it’s because A) I haven’t been looking and B) God hasn’t sent that special man my way yet. But that’s what this disappointment and depression is doing to me. Once I feel like I’m not good enough for one thing, then I start felling like I’m not good enough for anything.
I can fool most people with my feelings, except my dad. He can look at me and tell that something is wrong. I am, for the most part, Miss Happy-go-lucky. And I try to stay that way because I know things will work out for the best in the end. But when depression hits me, sometimes I don’t even notice it, but there are times where it will hit me like a Mack truck. But I still keep going with a smile on my face, telling people that I’m doing great! And that’s mainly because I know some people are just making small talk and don’t really care to know how I’m doing and those that do care, I just don’t want to bore them with my little issue.
That’s another thing, I don’t do is speak up. I don’t say anything when something is bothering me. Like when my ex-best friend (I honestly hate calling her that) and I stopped talking. I should have asked her what her deal is, why is she distancing herself from me, ect. But I didn’t because I’m not a confrontational person. I don’t like arguing (all though I am the most hard headed person you’ll meet) nor do I like starting crap. But when this all came to a head, all these bottled up feelings of disappointment came creeping up. I started thinking to myself “Why didn’t I tell her this before?” or “I should have told her to get her head out of her butt long enough to hear what I’m saying.”
Speaking of thinking to myself, I have one sided conversations with myself. I don’t talk to myself out loud, just in my head, almost like I’m living a fantasy world. I start thinking about what I should have said or done at that particular moment. When I do that, I start feeling like I’m insane! Maybe I’m the only one that does it, maybe not… Who knows?
And I think that is why I like music so much. I just get lost in a song and forget, for 3-4 minutes, what is going on. Or, if it reminds me of something, I will cry. Just get it out. Music is my solace. Not a care in the world but me and the music.
I think I’m gonna take advice from Paul McCartney. He sang: “When I find myself in times of trouble/Mother Mary comes to me/Speaking words of wisdom, let it be/ And in my hour of darkness/She is standing right in front of me/Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”
I apologize if I’m rambling, but I needed to get this out before I end up seeing a Psychologist at Lakeview, HA! Plus I know that I can tell you and not be judged. At least I hope.
So until next time, let it be.
~Paula~
