Change the Voices In Your Head, Make Them Like You Instead.

Depression is not a fun thing. I’ve been dealing with it for a while. When I would try to keep my head up, the negativity would start creeping in then depression would start setting in. It would get real bad when I see people around me getting married and having babies. Especially if they’re younger than me. When I was about eighteen years old I had this goal… I would be married by thirty and have at least one kid by thirty-five. And here it is, the year I turn the big 3-0 and I’m not even in a relationship. It sucks, I’m not gonna lie.

The thoughts that I would be having about myself is that I was too fat for anyone to love me, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, ect. I know it’s not true and I know God has someone out there for me. The one thing that was told to me on Sunday was that in order for God to send me that man I’m supposed to be with, I have to work on myself. SO TRUE! Like letting go of people who can, without me realizing it, bring me down and closing myself off to those evil spirits that tell me I’m worthless.

Not everyone, if anyone, knew about it. I would put on this mask for everyone and tell them I’m fine so I wouldn’t have burden people with my problems because they may be going through something and don’t want to hear about mine. This mask would stay on until I go to bed and then that’s when those thoughts would begin.

And it honestly wasn’t until this past Sunday that I realized that I was depressed. When Al made the altar for those who were feeling depressed, I felt the urge or a spiritual nudge to go. As I was there praying, Denita came up and started praying in tongues and then starts praying in English. When she started saying over and over again “you’re beautiful”, I lost it. She goes on for a bit just praying. Then she says “you’re sleeping but you’re not resting.” And the first thought that came to my mind was “How did you… Oh, right!” LOL. That is when I realized that this whole time I had been depressed and it’s kept me from being truly happy and resting at night. And because of it, I had probably missed out on blessings God had for me.

I hate… No, I loath the spirit of depression. And now I’m making a stand. I will no longer let depression keep me from missing out on being happy, miss out on God’s blessings. Most importantly, I will NOT let it define who I will be.

Trusting God & Having Faith in Him

Proverbs 3:5 -- “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”
Trust. Those five little letters make up one big word. So does “faith”. That is something we do. As a child we trust our parents to take care of us, our best friends with our deepest, darkest secrets, and our significant other to not cheat on us. But what about God? How much trust do you have in him?
Back in 2005-2008 I went through a tough time spiritually. My dad had been diagnosed with colon cancer and I was mad at God because I felt he gave dad cancer. But Al reminded me as I was crying in his living room that God didn’t GIVE dad cancer, he ALLOWED it to happen. Why? We will never know. But the one thing that I had to do is trust in him and have faith to know that he knows what he’s doing. We may never know why God allows pain and suffering of any kind, but we just have to trust
And when you trust him, you have to have faith. Those go hand-in-hand, in my opinion. In James 5:15 it says “Such a prayer offered up in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.”
Such a prayer offered in faith… It’s hard to think of what would have happened to dad if none of the prayers for him weren’t offered up in faith. It’s one thing to say “God, heal this person of this sickness. Amen.” BUT when you say “Father, I have faith that by your stripes, this person will be healed of this disease.” OOORRR “God, I trust that your will shall be done.”
When I was unemployed for over a year, and at the end of each tier, I would get depressed and I’d start crying praying trusting that God had that one perfect job out there for me. I have been at the doctors office now for eleven months. That’s what happens when you trust.
This past summer my mom was diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer. I prayed and had enough faith that she will be healed. And at her last check up, she was given a clean bill of health (so was dad).
The great thing about trusting and having faith in God is that you will never be let down. Even when you don’t get what you were expecting, God’s will was done and that is all that matters.
So when you go into prayer, let God know (sincerely) that you have faith and you’re trusting him.

I Can Only Imagine/Who Am I Living For?

 

I heard two songs today that got me thinking about things. “I Can Only Imagine” and “Who Are You Living For?”

“I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me

- What will Heaven look like?

- Who will I see there?

- What will God look like?

As a child, I imagined Heaven as clouds with golden paved roads built into them. I imagined God looking like King Triton from “The Little Mermaid” but with legs, not the bottom half looking like a fish. And I imaged that I would see EVERYBODY. From family members that I know and don’t know to everyone we learned about in the bible and in history class with the exception of Hilter and Stalin, which is a no brainer… HAHAHA!

But now as an adult, I feel Heaven will look like Earth. Of course, that is if I die before the rapture. I know that I have to go through the Pearly Gates and the streets will be made of gold. I’m excited to see that! I know that the people I see will be the ones that has accepted Christ into their hearts. So there is a good amount of people I will be seeing up there… :-) Now… The physical features of Christ. I still like the King Triton idea. But that is something we will have to wait for.

Another thing that I will have to wait and find out is my reaction to seeing him for the first time. That is why I love the chorus of the song:

“Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you, Jesus, Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence, to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine.”

That is the only thing we can do, right?

“Who Am I Living For?” by Katy Perry

This song is on her “Teenage Dream” album. I finally heard it today and I was taken aback by it.

She still has her Christian beliefs though she sings secular music, considering she was raised by Evangelical Christian Missionaries.

“I can see the heavens/But I can hear the flames calling out my name// I can see the writing on the wall/ I can’t ignore this war/ At the end of the day/ Who am I living for?”

Who am I living for? I pray that I’m living for God. I’m trying to fix my flaws so I can be a better example. I’ve been told TWICE, while praying at the altar, that I need not to worry, that I am a child of God. So that puts my mind at ease.

“So I pray for favor like Esther/ I need your strength to handle the pressure/ I know there will be a sacrifice/ But that’s the price”

Favor like Esther. That is what I want. Esther had courage and boldness. Because of that, God found favor in Esther and protected her. She risked her life! I don’t have the courage to speak up about anything. But I do know if I was put in the same as Cassie Bernall, I would sacrifice myself. Cassie sacrificed herself when she was asked that fatal question. To me, Cassie was a modern day Esther. Just with a different ending.

There is going to be sacrifices. Just ask Jesus. He made the ultimate sacrifice when he died for our sins on the cross.

Who is willing to sacrifice something to live with Christ in the end? Who is willing to find out what your reaction will be when you finally meet Christ face to face?