It’s Been HOW LONG??

Wow… Has it really been almost 3 months since I have blogged last?? I’m so sorry! Nothing has really changed much. Mom is no longer taking radiation for her breast cancer. She finished that in October. She’s now on hormone blockers. Menopause all over again, according to her.

But with all that, the holidays have approached and is almost over with. Where has this year gone?? But I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or days off if you do not celebrate holidays. I know I have. I have my family, friends, a pay check each week, my health and the love of my God! Nothing like any of it. I don’t decorate for the holidays. Mainly because I am still living with my parents, we live in a small place, and my dad isn’t the “decorating for the holiday” type.

Now, we have New Year’s approaching really quick. It’s Sunday, in fact (FYI). Do you make a “New Year’s Resolution”? I don’t. No, no, no! ha-ha.. I know myself all too well to make myself a promise that I know that I will not keep. But the thought of it is wonderful. And if you’re able to keep it, congratulations!! I just don’t have the initiative or motivation to do that. What ever you decide to do, stick with it. Be strong! And if you go out, PLEASE be safe. Do not drink and drive or get in a vehicle with someone who has. I know there are taxi companies who giving free rides to inebriated people.

You know, come to think of it, I think I may make a resolution! I will make one right here, right now. In the new year, I will be more attentive to my blog! I will write, AT LEAST, once a month.

With that being said, I apologize for the rambling and I hope everyone is blessed and stays safe in the coming year!

 

-- Paula --

Disappointment & Depression

Have you ever felt so disappointed that at times you have felt depressed or ever crazy for even feeling disappointed? I have... Actually I am right now.

I know what started it, but I won’t go into detail about it. What I will say though is that when this person made a comment, I basically heard “You’re good, you’re just not good enough.” Am I crazy for feeling that? I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I’m a major disappointment, like that’s why I haven’t gotten married. Like I’m gonna be a disappointment as a wife. Now I’m not saying that is a reason why I haven’t gotten married yet. I know it’s because A) I haven’t been looking and B) God hasn’t sent that special man my way yet. But that’s what this disappointment and depression is doing to me. Once I feel like I’m not good enough for one thing, then I start felling like I’m not good enough for anything.

I can fool most people with my feelings, except my dad. He can look at me and tell that something is wrong. I am, for the most part, Miss Happy-go-lucky. And I try to stay that way because I know things will work out for the best in the end. But when depression hits me, sometimes I don’t even notice it, but there are times where it will hit me like a Mack truck. But I still keep going with a smile on my face, telling people that I’m doing great! And that’s mainly because I know some people are just making small talk and don’t really care to know how I’m doing and those that do care, I just don’t want to bore them with my little issue.

That’s another thing, I don’t do is speak up. I don’t say anything when something is bothering me. Like when my ex-best friend (I honestly hate calling her that) and I stopped talking. I should have asked her what her deal is, why is she distancing herself from me, ect. But I didn’t because I’m not a confrontational person. I don’t like arguing (all though I am the most hard headed person you’ll meet) nor do I like starting crap. But when this all came to a head, all these bottled up feelings of disappointment came creeping up. I started thinking to myself “Why didn’t I tell her this before?” or “I should have told her to get her head out of her butt long enough to hear what I’m saying.”

Speaking of thinking to myself, I have one sided conversations with myself. I don’t talk to myself out loud, just in my head, almost like I’m living a fantasy world. I start thinking about what I should have said or done at that particular moment. When I do that, I start feeling like I’m insane! Maybe I’m the only one that does it, maybe not… Who knows?

And I think that is why I like music so much. I just get lost in a song and forget, for 3-4 minutes, what is going on. Or, if it reminds me of something, I will cry. Just get it out. Music is my solace. Not a care in the world but me and the music.

I think I’m gonna take advice from Paul McCartney. He sang: “When I find myself in times of trouble/Mother Mary comes to me/Speaking words of wisdom, let it be/ And in my hour of darkness/She is standing right in front of me/Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”

I apologize if I’m rambling, but I needed to get this out before I end up seeing a Psychologist at Lakeview, HA! Plus I know that I can tell you and not be judged. At least I hope.

So until next time, let it be.

~Paula~

Changed the Blog Name

Yep.. That's what I did! lol.. I've been going through a lot spiritually. But we all do at some point, I believe. I really don't know how to describe it. I feel like I am changing. In some areas, good. In other, not so good. I'm trying to work on the bad areas. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.. or take a shot of tequila. JUST KIDDING! (Some may or may not get my sense of humor). But I'm rolling with the punches, the best way I know how. Trying not to stay disappointed in a certain situation. I'm over being mad because it's unhealthy to hold grudges. But this disappointment won't leave for some reason! But I leave it in God's hands. Just got to remember Jeremiah 29:11:

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


I just have to believe that what happened was for the best.

Now the reason why I changed the name is because not everything I put on here will be about scriptures or faith. It will be about what is going on in my life. A place for me to vent. A place for me to share what's on my heart. Or to share what I've watched or heard. So please be kind and understanding.

I KNOW, I KNOW...

I said that I would keep this up regularly and I haven't. I apologize.

Job is still there. Still going great! But there is something else that has crept up. On Monday my mom was diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer. Talk about a punch to the gut! My dad has battled cancer so I'm no stranger to this. But nonetheless, it still sucks! I talked to God silently in the shower that night. Crying, asking why, begging Him to take all this away. After that I felt A LITTLE better. But I was still hurting. Really didn't want to go to work the next day, but I did. I cried in front of my boss and co-workers. Funny how crying helps make you feel a little better, a little at a time.

Then on Thursday I grabbed my moms "Women of the Bible Study Bible." Through out it there are pages dedicated to certain women mentioned in there. Women such as Eve, Ruth, Mary, Anna, ect. I have only read about four women so far. But the one woman that caught my attention was Sarai (later called Sarah, aka Abraham's wife). Whenever she overheard a complete stranger say that she would have a child she just scoffed at the notion. I mean think about it. She was WAAAAY up in age when she FINALLY gave birth to Isaac. She became fearful when that same person asked her if there was anything that was "too hard for the Lord?"

She gave up her doubt and fear and left it to God. She gave up on trying to control her situation. Sarah made room to allow God to do His work His way. What was once Abraham's dream was now hers. And you know, the funniest thing happened. Within a year, she gave birth to Isaac. And the laughter of doubt turned to laughter of joy and happiness. There is a scripture mentioned on the study of Sarai/Sarah. The second half of 1 Peter 3:6 says: "You are Sarah's daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

I want to be considered Sarah's daughter. I just have to let go of this fear that I have about mom's cancer and trust in the Lord. Trust that He knows what He's doing. I lay it all at His feet. Every fear, every doubt.

It's Been a Month And a Half..

I've been work at my job for 5 weeks... I. LOVE. IT. The boss is wonderful, the girls are as well.. The patients are great.. God has blessed me with so much with in the last almost 2 months.. I'm grateful for everything...

Also, in 6 days I have my first paying photography shoot.. It's a wedding of the father of a great friend who is getting remarried.. The father, not the friend.. lol.. The bride is so incredibly sweet.. And the groom is funny.. Just like his son :-)... I know I haven't put anything up in a while, but nothing has been on my heart.. But believe me, the moment something weighs on me, I will share it with you..

Much love..

Just a quick update...

By the grace of God, I now have a job! Through all the frustration, the tears, the begging for this to end, God was always there! God is good all the time! 

'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of what you see before you. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15 

 

All I Need Is You

All I need is you..

Listened to that song today and the chorus was all that I could sing. I know the words, but I couldn't sing it. I was just compelled to sing the chorus. Why? Because God is all I need. We all do. We sometimes try to control what the Spirit wants us to do. Not. Cool. Bad things will happen if you try to hinder God from being all you need. I, by nature or genes, am a stubborn person. I like to do things that I think would have the best outcome. Now, that always doesn't turn out to be true. You live and learn. But some of us have a problem. When things don't go as expected or we feel we're at our weakest, that is when we call on God. We shouldn't do that. Don't worry, I'm including myself in this. Even when things are going great, call on Him. Tell Him "thank you" for anything that is great. Praise Him through the good and bad. Challenge yourself to do that. I know I will.

Unfailing Love...

Earlier I couldn't find any inspiration for this blog, but I just kept going back to the word love. So I looked it up. And the word that was placed before it in 98% of the verses was unfailing. Unfailing love. I like that! We all get love from family and friends. And we all give love. But the best love of all is the UNFAILING love of God.

Is there any way to describe the love of God? David did in Psalm 36:5. It says: "Your unfailing love, Oh Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds." As vast as the heavens. Wow.. Think about it. His unfailing love for us is as big as heaven.

You know what else is great about God's unfailing love? Even when we mess up, he still loves us. David said in Psalm 94:18 "I cried out, 'I'm slipping!' and your unfailing love, Oh Lord, supported me." Now, I look at that verse as someone who has slipped spiritually. When I have cried out, God's love was there to catch me from slipping further. Oh how amazing his love is!

He's there waiting for us to cry out. He's waiting for us to run to his open arms. He's wanting to hug us and to show how unfailing his love is. He loves us. Even the messed up ones. We just have to realize it. And once we do, we will be able to love ourselves and other more.

Where You Go, I Go

Where you go, I go. What you say, I say. What your pray, I pray.

Today's sermon at church was about self examination. Keeping yourself in check during the race so you will not find out you were disqualified when standing at the Pearly Gates. I don't want to be disqualified. But I have hit some hurdles. I have gone from having my quiet time with God at night by reading my bible and praying to not doing that. And I have noticed a difference too! When I was doing that, I felt so much more peace than I do now. Maybe I let little disappointments get to me spiritually. I don't know. But this is a race. We have hurdles to over come! And if we stay in God's word, we will do just that. "None of the enemy's weapons will prevail!"

I want to feel that peace again! That's why, I will be more stricter on myself. In order to win the race, I have to be in God's word every day, pray, not just myself, but for everyone in my life (whether they want prayer or not.. hehe), and follow where He wants me to go. That's why "Where You Go, I Go" will be my theme song from now on!