Change the Voices In Your Head, Make Them Like You Instead.

Depression is not a fun thing. I’ve been dealing with it for a while. When I would try to keep my head up, the negativity would start creeping in then depression would start setting in. It would get real bad when I see people around me getting married and having babies. Especially if they’re younger than me. When I was about eighteen years old I had this goal… I would be married by thirty and have at least one kid by thirty-five. And here it is, the year I turn the big 3-0 and I’m not even in a relationship. It sucks, I’m not gonna lie.

The thoughts that I would be having about myself is that I was too fat for anyone to love me, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, ect. I know it’s not true and I know God has someone out there for me. The one thing that was told to me on Sunday was that in order for God to send me that man I’m supposed to be with, I have to work on myself. SO TRUE! Like letting go of people who can, without me realizing it, bring me down and closing myself off to those evil spirits that tell me I’m worthless.

Not everyone, if anyone, knew about it. I would put on this mask for everyone and tell them I’m fine so I wouldn’t have burden people with my problems because they may be going through something and don’t want to hear about mine. This mask would stay on until I go to bed and then that’s when those thoughts would begin.

And it honestly wasn’t until this past Sunday that I realized that I was depressed. When Al made the altar for those who were feeling depressed, I felt the urge or a spiritual nudge to go. As I was there praying, Denita came up and started praying in tongues and then starts praying in English. When she started saying over and over again “you’re beautiful”, I lost it. She goes on for a bit just praying. Then she says “you’re sleeping but you’re not resting.” And the first thought that came to my mind was “How did you… Oh, right!” LOL. That is when I realized that this whole time I had been depressed and it’s kept me from being truly happy and resting at night. And because of it, I had probably missed out on blessings God had for me.

I hate… No, I loath the spirit of depression. And now I’m making a stand. I will no longer let depression keep me from missing out on being happy, miss out on God’s blessings. Most importantly, I will NOT let it define who I will be.