Bad Dreams

 

Last night I had a dream that I had to speak at  my mom’s funeral. And she wasn’t an old person. She was the age she is now. And it was a scary thing. I don’t want to think about having to bury either one of my parents. I know it was just a dream but the sadness I felt was so real. I felt my heart just breaking inside as I spoke about how although my mom and I butt heads a lot, I love her more than anything in this world. There was a casket in front of me with her lying in it, looking peaceful and at rest. Not a worried look on her face. I saw my dad on the front row crying like I’ve never seen him cry before… And THAT broke my heart even more. I still get heart broken just thinking about it. No child wants to think about burying their parents and no parent should bury their child.

Now here is what is weird about dreams, I don’t have dreams that I remember the next day that often. Maybe once every few months. But when I do remember them, I remember every detail. Good or bad, I remember. Why? Because they feel so amazingly real! Every laughter, every hug, every heart break, every tear.

With my sad dream out of my system, when I go to bed tonight, I ‘m going to hug my mom and tell her “I love you”. I hope you do the same. And if you can’t hug your parents, just look up and say it… They will hear you!

Holding a Grudge

 

What does the bible say about holding a grudge? Ephesians 4: 26-27 says: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

Now, why do people hold grudges? What’s the point? It only makes you extremely bitter! It gives Satan the opportunity to win you over. And did I mention it makes you bitter?

Here is what you should do about that: “Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.” - Psalm 37: 8-9

And if you are angry with someone, do what Luke 6:37 says: “Forgive and you will be forgiven.”

I am not the type of person to hold a grudge. I think about certain situations from time to time. I think about how I should have handled it. Now, I do get defensive if I feel someone is “attacking” me and some may take that as getting angry. But it takes A LOT to make me angry. And I also forgive easier than most to. I don’t always follow the saying “Forgive and Forget.” I go by my saying of “Forgive, but be wary.” I’m become leery because of how the person acted towards me. Almost like “should I trust them?” I’m afraid of getting whiplash from someone’s personality.

My opinion is don’t be a Bitter Betty. Forgive.. Forgiving is the only way to properly move on. Holding grudges for a long period of time will only show the devil that you are willing to let him win. And possibly take over your life.

Now that I am done with the rambling, I will leave you with some wise words of Steve from the show “Reba” -- “Just leditgo!!

My Little Trip

 

I took a little trip to Destin, FL yesterday with my mom, one of my best friends Katrina and her baby girl to the Destin Commons. It was about an hour drive. If not an hour, then just a little over. It was really nice to spend the afternoon with two amazing women. We went to Hard Rock Café and with was AMAZING. All the memorabilia from everyone from Madonna and Lita Ford to B.B. King and Keith Moon to Paul McCartney and Slash. The only down side was that it was a little pricey. But at the same time, totally worth it! We also went to Build-A-Bear (yes, I made a bear) and to Sephora. In Sephora, I saw some tweezers that cost 25$. Now I don’t why anyone in their right mind would spend that much for a pair of tweezers. In order for me to spend that much on that, it better do some sort of trick or perform non-invasive lipo suction.

After we left the Commons, we went across the street to Ulta. I AM IN LOVE! drug store and high-end make-up and hair stuff. All sold at the suggested retail price. I suggested if you have the time, go! Just make sure you have money. Why? Because you will find something that you need and not even realize it. I wanted to go there for make-up brushes by Samantha Chapman called Real Techniques. Very reasonable. But 63$ later, I had gotten the brushes, foundation (cause I ran out), nail polish and Paul Mitchell hair spray.

Now the trip really wasn’t about spending money but more about spending the day with my mom and best friend (wish my other bestie could have come but that’s another story). Memories that will last forever!

Pictures from Hard Rock Café (left to right):

Hotel Bill given to Jimmie Hendrix, Carl Wilson’s shirt

Paul McCartney’s shirt, Hard Rock sign

Stevie Nicks head gear and tamborine, McCartney’s handwriting to “I Wanna Be Your Man”

Change the Voices In Your Head, Make Them Like You Instead.

Depression is not a fun thing. I’ve been dealing with it for a while. When I would try to keep my head up, the negativity would start creeping in then depression would start setting in. It would get real bad when I see people around me getting married and having babies. Especially if they’re younger than me. When I was about eighteen years old I had this goal… I would be married by thirty and have at least one kid by thirty-five. And here it is, the year I turn the big 3-0 and I’m not even in a relationship. It sucks, I’m not gonna lie.

The thoughts that I would be having about myself is that I was too fat for anyone to love me, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, ect. I know it’s not true and I know God has someone out there for me. The one thing that was told to me on Sunday was that in order for God to send me that man I’m supposed to be with, I have to work on myself. SO TRUE! Like letting go of people who can, without me realizing it, bring me down and closing myself off to those evil spirits that tell me I’m worthless.

Not everyone, if anyone, knew about it. I would put on this mask for everyone and tell them I’m fine so I wouldn’t have burden people with my problems because they may be going through something and don’t want to hear about mine. This mask would stay on until I go to bed and then that’s when those thoughts would begin.

And it honestly wasn’t until this past Sunday that I realized that I was depressed. When Al made the altar for those who were feeling depressed, I felt the urge or a spiritual nudge to go. As I was there praying, Denita came up and started praying in tongues and then starts praying in English. When she started saying over and over again “you’re beautiful”, I lost it. She goes on for a bit just praying. Then she says “you’re sleeping but you’re not resting.” And the first thought that came to my mind was “How did you… Oh, right!” LOL. That is when I realized that this whole time I had been depressed and it’s kept me from being truly happy and resting at night. And because of it, I had probably missed out on blessings God had for me.

I hate… No, I loath the spirit of depression. And now I’m making a stand. I will no longer let depression keep me from missing out on being happy, miss out on God’s blessings. Most importantly, I will NOT let it define who I will be.

Trusting God & Having Faith in Him

Proverbs 3:5 -- “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”
Trust. Those five little letters make up one big word. So does “faith”. That is something we do. As a child we trust our parents to take care of us, our best friends with our deepest, darkest secrets, and our significant other to not cheat on us. But what about God? How much trust do you have in him?
Back in 2005-2008 I went through a tough time spiritually. My dad had been diagnosed with colon cancer and I was mad at God because I felt he gave dad cancer. But Al reminded me as I was crying in his living room that God didn’t GIVE dad cancer, he ALLOWED it to happen. Why? We will never know. But the one thing that I had to do is trust in him and have faith to know that he knows what he’s doing. We may never know why God allows pain and suffering of any kind, but we just have to trust
And when you trust him, you have to have faith. Those go hand-in-hand, in my opinion. In James 5:15 it says “Such a prayer offered up in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.”
Such a prayer offered in faith… It’s hard to think of what would have happened to dad if none of the prayers for him weren’t offered up in faith. It’s one thing to say “God, heal this person of this sickness. Amen.” BUT when you say “Father, I have faith that by your stripes, this person will be healed of this disease.” OOORRR “God, I trust that your will shall be done.”
When I was unemployed for over a year, and at the end of each tier, I would get depressed and I’d start crying praying trusting that God had that one perfect job out there for me. I have been at the doctors office now for eleven months. That’s what happens when you trust.
This past summer my mom was diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer. I prayed and had enough faith that she will be healed. And at her last check up, she was given a clean bill of health (so was dad).
The great thing about trusting and having faith in God is that you will never be let down. Even when you don’t get what you were expecting, God’s will was done and that is all that matters.
So when you go into prayer, let God know (sincerely) that you have faith and you’re trusting him.

I Can Only Imagine/Who Am I Living For?

 

I heard two songs today that got me thinking about things. “I Can Only Imagine” and “Who Are You Living For?”

“I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me

- What will Heaven look like?

- Who will I see there?

- What will God look like?

As a child, I imagined Heaven as clouds with golden paved roads built into them. I imagined God looking like King Triton from “The Little Mermaid” but with legs, not the bottom half looking like a fish. And I imaged that I would see EVERYBODY. From family members that I know and don’t know to everyone we learned about in the bible and in history class with the exception of Hilter and Stalin, which is a no brainer… HAHAHA!

But now as an adult, I feel Heaven will look like Earth. Of course, that is if I die before the rapture. I know that I have to go through the Pearly Gates and the streets will be made of gold. I’m excited to see that! I know that the people I see will be the ones that has accepted Christ into their hearts. So there is a good amount of people I will be seeing up there… :-) Now… The physical features of Christ. I still like the King Triton idea. But that is something we will have to wait for.

Another thing that I will have to wait and find out is my reaction to seeing him for the first time. That is why I love the chorus of the song:

“Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you, Jesus, Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence, to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine.”

That is the only thing we can do, right?

“Who Am I Living For?” by Katy Perry

This song is on her “Teenage Dream” album. I finally heard it today and I was taken aback by it.

She still has her Christian beliefs though she sings secular music, considering she was raised by Evangelical Christian Missionaries.

“I can see the heavens/But I can hear the flames calling out my name// I can see the writing on the wall/ I can’t ignore this war/ At the end of the day/ Who am I living for?”

Who am I living for? I pray that I’m living for God. I’m trying to fix my flaws so I can be a better example. I’ve been told TWICE, while praying at the altar, that I need not to worry, that I am a child of God. So that puts my mind at ease.

“So I pray for favor like Esther/ I need your strength to handle the pressure/ I know there will be a sacrifice/ But that’s the price”

Favor like Esther. That is what I want. Esther had courage and boldness. Because of that, God found favor in Esther and protected her. She risked her life! I don’t have the courage to speak up about anything. But I do know if I was put in the same as Cassie Bernall, I would sacrifice myself. Cassie sacrificed herself when she was asked that fatal question. To me, Cassie was a modern day Esther. Just with a different ending.

There is going to be sacrifices. Just ask Jesus. He made the ultimate sacrifice when he died for our sins on the cross.

Who is willing to sacrifice something to live with Christ in the end? Who is willing to find out what your reaction will be when you finally meet Christ face to face?

It’s Been HOW LONG??

Wow… Has it really been almost 3 months since I have blogged last?? I’m so sorry! Nothing has really changed much. Mom is no longer taking radiation for her breast cancer. She finished that in October. She’s now on hormone blockers. Menopause all over again, according to her.

But with all that, the holidays have approached and is almost over with. Where has this year gone?? But I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or days off if you do not celebrate holidays. I know I have. I have my family, friends, a pay check each week, my health and the love of my God! Nothing like any of it. I don’t decorate for the holidays. Mainly because I am still living with my parents, we live in a small place, and my dad isn’t the “decorating for the holiday” type.

Now, we have New Year’s approaching really quick. It’s Sunday, in fact (FYI). Do you make a “New Year’s Resolution”? I don’t. No, no, no! ha-ha.. I know myself all too well to make myself a promise that I know that I will not keep. But the thought of it is wonderful. And if you’re able to keep it, congratulations!! I just don’t have the initiative or motivation to do that. What ever you decide to do, stick with it. Be strong! And if you go out, PLEASE be safe. Do not drink and drive or get in a vehicle with someone who has. I know there are taxi companies who giving free rides to inebriated people.

You know, come to think of it, I think I may make a resolution! I will make one right here, right now. In the new year, I will be more attentive to my blog! I will write, AT LEAST, once a month.

With that being said, I apologize for the rambling and I hope everyone is blessed and stays safe in the coming year!

 

-- Paula --

Disappointment & Depression

Have you ever felt so disappointed that at times you have felt depressed or ever crazy for even feeling disappointed? I have... Actually I am right now.

I know what started it, but I won’t go into detail about it. What I will say though is that when this person made a comment, I basically heard “You’re good, you’re just not good enough.” Am I crazy for feeling that? I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I’m a major disappointment, like that’s why I haven’t gotten married. Like I’m gonna be a disappointment as a wife. Now I’m not saying that is a reason why I haven’t gotten married yet. I know it’s because A) I haven’t been looking and B) God hasn’t sent that special man my way yet. But that’s what this disappointment and depression is doing to me. Once I feel like I’m not good enough for one thing, then I start felling like I’m not good enough for anything.

I can fool most people with my feelings, except my dad. He can look at me and tell that something is wrong. I am, for the most part, Miss Happy-go-lucky. And I try to stay that way because I know things will work out for the best in the end. But when depression hits me, sometimes I don’t even notice it, but there are times where it will hit me like a Mack truck. But I still keep going with a smile on my face, telling people that I’m doing great! And that’s mainly because I know some people are just making small talk and don’t really care to know how I’m doing and those that do care, I just don’t want to bore them with my little issue.

That’s another thing, I don’t do is speak up. I don’t say anything when something is bothering me. Like when my ex-best friend (I honestly hate calling her that) and I stopped talking. I should have asked her what her deal is, why is she distancing herself from me, ect. But I didn’t because I’m not a confrontational person. I don’t like arguing (all though I am the most hard headed person you’ll meet) nor do I like starting crap. But when this all came to a head, all these bottled up feelings of disappointment came creeping up. I started thinking to myself “Why didn’t I tell her this before?” or “I should have told her to get her head out of her butt long enough to hear what I’m saying.”

Speaking of thinking to myself, I have one sided conversations with myself. I don’t talk to myself out loud, just in my head, almost like I’m living a fantasy world. I start thinking about what I should have said or done at that particular moment. When I do that, I start feeling like I’m insane! Maybe I’m the only one that does it, maybe not… Who knows?

And I think that is why I like music so much. I just get lost in a song and forget, for 3-4 minutes, what is going on. Or, if it reminds me of something, I will cry. Just get it out. Music is my solace. Not a care in the world but me and the music.

I think I’m gonna take advice from Paul McCartney. He sang: “When I find myself in times of trouble/Mother Mary comes to me/Speaking words of wisdom, let it be/ And in my hour of darkness/She is standing right in front of me/Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”

I apologize if I’m rambling, but I needed to get this out before I end up seeing a Psychologist at Lakeview, HA! Plus I know that I can tell you and not be judged. At least I hope.

So until next time, let it be.

~Paula~

Changed the Blog Name

Yep.. That's what I did! lol.. I've been going through a lot spiritually. But we all do at some point, I believe. I really don't know how to describe it. I feel like I am changing. In some areas, good. In other, not so good. I'm trying to work on the bad areas. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.. or take a shot of tequila. JUST KIDDING! (Some may or may not get my sense of humor). But I'm rolling with the punches, the best way I know how. Trying not to stay disappointed in a certain situation. I'm over being mad because it's unhealthy to hold grudges. But this disappointment won't leave for some reason! But I leave it in God's hands. Just got to remember Jeremiah 29:11:

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


I just have to believe that what happened was for the best.

Now the reason why I changed the name is because not everything I put on here will be about scriptures or faith. It will be about what is going on in my life. A place for me to vent. A place for me to share what's on my heart. Or to share what I've watched or heard. So please be kind and understanding.

I KNOW, I KNOW...

I said that I would keep this up regularly and I haven't. I apologize.

Job is still there. Still going great! But there is something else that has crept up. On Monday my mom was diagnosed with the early stages of breast cancer. Talk about a punch to the gut! My dad has battled cancer so I'm no stranger to this. But nonetheless, it still sucks! I talked to God silently in the shower that night. Crying, asking why, begging Him to take all this away. After that I felt A LITTLE better. But I was still hurting. Really didn't want to go to work the next day, but I did. I cried in front of my boss and co-workers. Funny how crying helps make you feel a little better, a little at a time.

Then on Thursday I grabbed my moms "Women of the Bible Study Bible." Through out it there are pages dedicated to certain women mentioned in there. Women such as Eve, Ruth, Mary, Anna, ect. I have only read about four women so far. But the one woman that caught my attention was Sarai (later called Sarah, aka Abraham's wife). Whenever she overheard a complete stranger say that she would have a child she just scoffed at the notion. I mean think about it. She was WAAAAY up in age when she FINALLY gave birth to Isaac. She became fearful when that same person asked her if there was anything that was "too hard for the Lord?"

She gave up her doubt and fear and left it to God. She gave up on trying to control her situation. Sarah made room to allow God to do His work His way. What was once Abraham's dream was now hers. And you know, the funniest thing happened. Within a year, she gave birth to Isaac. And the laughter of doubt turned to laughter of joy and happiness. There is a scripture mentioned on the study of Sarai/Sarah. The second half of 1 Peter 3:6 says: "You are Sarah's daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."

I want to be considered Sarah's daughter. I just have to let go of this fear that I have about mom's cancer and trust in the Lord. Trust that He knows what He's doing. I lay it all at His feet. Every fear, every doubt.

It's Been a Month And a Half..

I've been work at my job for 5 weeks... I. LOVE. IT. The boss is wonderful, the girls are as well.. The patients are great.. God has blessed me with so much with in the last almost 2 months.. I'm grateful for everything...

Also, in 6 days I have my first paying photography shoot.. It's a wedding of the father of a great friend who is getting remarried.. The father, not the friend.. lol.. The bride is so incredibly sweet.. And the groom is funny.. Just like his son :-)... I know I haven't put anything up in a while, but nothing has been on my heart.. But believe me, the moment something weighs on me, I will share it with you..

Much love..

Just a quick update...

By the grace of God, I now have a job! Through all the frustration, the tears, the begging for this to end, God was always there! God is good all the time! 

'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of what you see before you. For the battle is not yours, but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15 

 

All I Need Is You

All I need is you..

Listened to that song today and the chorus was all that I could sing. I know the words, but I couldn't sing it. I was just compelled to sing the chorus. Why? Because God is all I need. We all do. We sometimes try to control what the Spirit wants us to do. Not. Cool. Bad things will happen if you try to hinder God from being all you need. I, by nature or genes, am a stubborn person. I like to do things that I think would have the best outcome. Now, that always doesn't turn out to be true. You live and learn. But some of us have a problem. When things don't go as expected or we feel we're at our weakest, that is when we call on God. We shouldn't do that. Don't worry, I'm including myself in this. Even when things are going great, call on Him. Tell Him "thank you" for anything that is great. Praise Him through the good and bad. Challenge yourself to do that. I know I will.

Unfailing Love...

Earlier I couldn't find any inspiration for this blog, but I just kept going back to the word love. So I looked it up. And the word that was placed before it in 98% of the verses was unfailing. Unfailing love. I like that! We all get love from family and friends. And we all give love. But the best love of all is the UNFAILING love of God.

Is there any way to describe the love of God? David did in Psalm 36:5. It says: "Your unfailing love, Oh Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds." As vast as the heavens. Wow.. Think about it. His unfailing love for us is as big as heaven.

You know what else is great about God's unfailing love? Even when we mess up, he still loves us. David said in Psalm 94:18 "I cried out, 'I'm slipping!' and your unfailing love, Oh Lord, supported me." Now, I look at that verse as someone who has slipped spiritually. When I have cried out, God's love was there to catch me from slipping further. Oh how amazing his love is!

He's there waiting for us to cry out. He's waiting for us to run to his open arms. He's wanting to hug us and to show how unfailing his love is. He loves us. Even the messed up ones. We just have to realize it. And once we do, we will be able to love ourselves and other more.

Where You Go, I Go

Where you go, I go. What you say, I say. What your pray, I pray.

Today's sermon at church was about self examination. Keeping yourself in check during the race so you will not find out you were disqualified when standing at the Pearly Gates. I don't want to be disqualified. But I have hit some hurdles. I have gone from having my quiet time with God at night by reading my bible and praying to not doing that. And I have noticed a difference too! When I was doing that, I felt so much more peace than I do now. Maybe I let little disappointments get to me spiritually. I don't know. But this is a race. We have hurdles to over come! And if we stay in God's word, we will do just that. "None of the enemy's weapons will prevail!"

I want to feel that peace again! That's why, I will be more stricter on myself. In order to win the race, I have to be in God's word every day, pray, not just myself, but for everyone in my life (whether they want prayer or not.. hehe), and follow where He wants me to go. That's why "Where You Go, I Go" will be my theme song from now on!